(Lygenztia *22) How do "they" know? Who told "them"?

Every day, I get anywhere from 2 to 15 e-mails..with titles like this:
"$159.95 100mg x 90 pills-Viagara"
"It was easier to go all the way than to stop-Cialis"
"Men can now benefit from this formula"
"She will want more and more of you"

Ok, fair enough..everyone needs to make a living and I actually don't begrudge them that. They need to peddle their products (in this case, sex enhancing drugs) and there is a market. Or, so i've heard.

My issue is this. Who told "them?"These e-mails (and again they are numerous) go into great detail about my various sexual inadequacies. So, somebody must have told them. Now, I am on record as stating unequivocally that I am no good at "the act". Whatever, I can handle that..learned to live with it. Made some...ahem..."adjustments".

But darn it, somebody told them. They let the cat out of the bag and me, without even the right of an appeal. I feel that I need to go to these pharmaceutical providers and "show them the goods", the "goods" being what they are. (Maybe I can fool them)

Dangit, every pharmaceutical provider on the web knows my dirty little secrets.
Did they secretly access my medical file?
Did they ask around?
Do they have spies, or covert operatives that hide in closets?
Are they working off military spy satellites?

Because, beleive it or not, these e-mail solicitations go into great detail. And they are accurate beyond description.

I mean c'mon...doesn't every guy want to "dazzle her with your tiger like prowess and cobra like strength.." or, "in just one short month increase in size by...", better yet there is "make her mother proud you married her daughter with your voracious sexual appetite".

Yes, all actual scripts from various and sundry e-mail solicitations. These are the things that every normal man craves. I am uncertain about a tiger's prowess, but it must be something else. I mean, hell, the e-mail describes it in great detail. And, well...the "making her mother proud" bit? Hell yes, I mean this is the stuff that normal people talk about over Christmas dinner.

So, if anyone knows who I can talk to about redeeming myself...please send me a note with contact information. (Unless, of course, you are getting these e-mails TOO!)

(Lygenztia *21) Hockey fights solve all conflicts.

Yes, that is correct and you heard it here first.

For those that play hockey (or have played) you know very well that a fight in the game is a term of endearment, call it mutual respect if you will. The agreed covenant is to engage in gladiator like battle, with no ill will after the battle has subsided. It's all in fun. Those that have played the game know this.

It's no hard feelings...it's just the way to "hammer" things out. Nothing personal.

Life however, is not exactly so cut and dried. Confrontation in life is not quite so easily dismissed, or engaged.

Let us take for example..traffic. A truly wonderful experience, loaded with good times, cheer and random acts of goodwill. (insert sarcasm anywhere)

Today, for fun, I decided to count how many times I was going to get cut off driving into downtown Toronto. For anyone that drives into Toronto, you know you ARE going to get cut off. Whether it is "rush hour" (which is from 3:30AM to 11:00PM) or 11:01PM..you ARE going to get cut off.

The answer? 8 (eight times) Eight times, I was cut off.

Twice, I was given the finger. I am not an agressive driver..quite the contrary as anyone who has driven with me will attest. When I get the finger now, I just smile and waive. I used to do it back, but I got carpal tunnel syndrome from the amount of "fingering".

Now, if that was a hockey fight...we could have punched on eachother, had bystanders (pretending they were Linesmen) break it up. Then, we would have laughed, patted eachother on the behind and offered to buy eachother a beer.

By the time we got to the bar, we would have forgotten about the fight and laughed over some hockey scores on TSN...while drinking beer. You see it's not personal.

Now, I am not advocating road rage, or violence. But what is the distinction to be drawn?

2 people engage in battle in hockey?Outcome-everyone laughs, combatants laugh afterwards.

2 people engage in battle over road rage?Police, lawsuits...all very messy, uncivilized stuff. No honour. Nobody laughs. (well, except the onlookers with a sense of humour)

Why is this? Is it because hockey players (unlike society) live by an unwritten code of honour? Society no longers lives by an unwritten code of honour and all dictates of right reason must be recorded and enforced. People no longer know (en masse) how to interact with mutual respect. Everything, from good taste to good behaviour must be legislated. Which is sad.

I watch men, (ALWAYS in Toronto...nowhere else) jump in front of senior citizens and ladies in line ups for transit, elevators...you name it.

You know what? A hockey fight would solve that crap. A gentleman would look at the line budder (God, the line budders are always such complete total nerds and geeks), shake his glove in a "you wanna go" motion. The "budder" accepts and the battle is on. After it's over, no hard feelings. Let's grab a beer!

If the "budder" doesn't accept the subsequent sting to his male pride (from cowardice) would hopefully inhibit such acts in the future.

You see? I think it can work!

Bin Laden and Bush? Strap on the skates...have a go on the ice. Duke it out. Doesn't matter who wins, go for a beer after and stop all the killing.

Yup, hockey fights. It can work.

(Lygenztia *20) Vive la differance

Girls after boys!

Remember that game you played in Grade School? You would go out at recess and the first one to scream “Girls after boys” or “Boys after girls” called it. So, the girls would chase and try to catch or tag the boys. (or vice versa..c’mon stick with me here)

Well, adult life isn’t so different is it? Girls ganging up to go after the boys and the boys ganging up to go after the girls. Only, as adults when we catch one, it can turn out many ways. Sometimes good..sometimes bad.

We are wired so differently. Thousands of books have been written on this very subject, yet it is still not fully understood. It has been studied by some of the greatest minds on the planet, still….no definitive answers. So, what do I have? Observations. That’s it.

Differences

#1-Fun
Women need to have men around to really have fun. Oh sure they can enjoy themselves with other women, but to really have fun..they must have men around. This is fact.

Men, do not need women around to have fun. In fact, they typically have way more fun when women aren’t around. (Why? Because we can act stupid when women aren’t around. We do things like drink too much, light each others farts on fire and go on last minute road trips up north, or to Montreal.) However, rest assured when the night is over they go looking for women.

#2-Thoughts/relationships
Women, by nature, are very intelligent and are deep thinkers. They thoroughly examine every single facet of their relationship. They worry about possibilities, what the future holds, compatability and emotional needs.

Men, worry about when they are next going to get laid. Simple, that’s it. That’s what we think about. Ask any man with the guts to tell you the truth and he will confirm this. Relationships are good, if you’re getting laid. If you’re not, it’s bad. Ooooh, that’s deep eh?

#3-Appearances
Women, will spend an enormous amount of time getting beautiful before they go out. Most do an excellent job of it. Women are extremely self critical of their appearance, unbelievably so. A woman will spend hours getting ready, picking clothes and come out looking stunning. Yet, they look in the mirror and say to themselves..these earrings make me look fat.

Men, will put on their favourite (dirty) track pants, look in the mirror and say to themselves…”damn, I look good!” Men have zero concept of their appearance. A man can be 55 pounds overweight, wearing the shirt that was popular when he was in High School (he is now 39 years old) and look at himself and think..”Gosh, I am a stud.”
Ya..right. Men getting ready to go out somewhere nice with their wife consists of not changing their underwear, combing half their hair and trying to decide whether it’ll be the green golf shirt with “All Star Golfer” embroidered on it, or the “Bud Lite” t-shirt they got free in a case of beer.

#4-Needs
Women need emotional fulfillment, communication, they need to feel desired, they need to feel wanted and they need to feel safe and protected. They need to be open and be able to express their deepest feelings and desires. How do they meet these needs? Oh, that’s easy…their best friend(s). Because men aren’t any good at ANY of the above things.

Men, well we need to get laid.

These are the principal differences as I see them, other than the obvious plumbing irregularities. But, differences are good, it makes it all fun.

“Girls after the boys!!!”

"Gather ye on the Bridges" Cecile D. Bowers March 6, 2008

A beatiful poem, written by:
Cecile D. Bowers March 6, 2008 Tyrone, ON
A proud daughter of a WW2 Canadian Soldier


Gather Ye On the Bridges!!

The day was very cold but also very sunny
As we stood on Waverley Bridge today
Wearing red and our flags flying proudly
Another of Canada's young soldiers passed our way.

Young and old, from near and far they come
All gathered together, a mourning body of one
Showing in the best way that we know
Our pride and love for a young Canadian son.

As the traffic flash their lights and blow their horns
To show their support for those of us who grieve
Your feelings rush wildly through your body
It's just so very hard for us to believe!

That in the oncoming hearse
Led by police cars with sirens blaring
Is another young man, his life cut short
While a Canadian army uniform he was wearing.
None of us can ever pretend to even know
The horrible pain that his family has to bear
All we can do is gather on the bridges
To let them know we are present and that we care!!

Cecile D. Bowers March 6, 2008 Tyrone, ON
A proud daughter of a WW2 Canadian Soldier

(Lygenztia *19) SIT still.

Why is it the fairer sex has some deep rooted need to see her mate constantly in motion? Why aren’t we men allowed to sit still? Someone, please answer…please.

This is not a question for the ages, this is a new phenomenon. In the “old days” men enjoyed unlimited leisure which is the stuff of which modern day legends are made.

Not anymore.

The second that we sit down, it seems that our better half starts devising new, innovative, interesting ways that we could be spending our time. (this is fairly typical for Monday to Friday, but an absolute lock, stock and barrel guarantee for Saturday and Sunday..or whatever your days off happen to be)

It is vital to women that we not be idle for one moment, one second…or one minute. Again, I ask…why?

Do not dare to hit the couch for a Saturday afternoon. You will be met with a lovely invitation about 3 seconds after you lie down. Now, these “invitations” are always accompanied by an argument if the man does not capitulate to his lovely wife’s wishes.

Let’s run through some of these lovely, fun and oh so interesting “invitations”, shall we?

Wife “invitation” 1-“Hey, let’s go visit my mom and see the new collection of cat collars she got at a yard sale.”
Husband response 1-“Yes dear”. (wife smiles, you get dinner and sex that night)
Husband response 2-“Like hell I will..” (wife smiles, argument starts. Dinner is crappy. NO sex)

Wife “invitation” 2-“Hey let’s go for a drive to Home Depot, get some wood and build a 4000 square foot addition on our house”
Husband response 1-“Yes dear”. (wife smiles, you get dinner and sex that night)
Husband response 2-“Are you freaking crazy?” (wife smiles, argument starts. Dinner is crappy. NO sex)

Wife “invitation” 3-“Hey let’s go visit that old neighbour of my aunt’s at the nursing home. I know she’s in a coma, but she may sense our presence. You can tape game 7 of the Stanley Cup…can’t you?”
Husband response 1-“Yes dear”. (wife smiles, you get dinner and sex that night)
Husband response 2-“NO goddam way?” (wife smiles, argument starts. Dinner is crappy. NO sex)

Wife “invitation” 4-“Hey let’s go look at paint swatches for the dog house walls. I know we don’t have a dog house, but if we do…I want to know what colour to paint it.”
Husband response 1-“Yes dear”. (wife smiles, you get dinner and sex that night)
Husband response 2-insert sarcastic tone here..”oh goodie, that is a kick ass way to spend my sunday afteroon, maybe on the way home we can stop at the spa and get a mud bath?” (wife, who does not appreciate sarcasm, does NOT smile, argument starts. Dinner is crappy. NO sex..for a long time)

Now personally, I’ve learned over the years. I like sex. (I am no good at it, but I like it) So…my response is always “Husband response 1”. Many years ago, when in the throes of newlywed bliss, I would attempt to assert my authority by usually going with “Husband response 2”. Those were some lean times, I tell ya. (Strange though…through it all, we managed to have kids) If I applied my current logic to 15 years ago, I calculate that we would presently have 11 kids.

Now one piece of advice (warning) must accompany my recommendation that all men go with “Husband response 1”. These are hours of your life that you will never get back. Those “precious moments” spent at your mother in law’s watching home movies of her cat? Just consider them an investment in the future, my friend.

Because later on that night, you will eat and with a little luck…get lucky.

Idle time? Nah. Get off the couch.

(Lygenztia *18) "Fine, just fine."

“Fine..just fine.”

Ever hear these words? They come with trouble, trust me. These words are usually uttered by the fairer sex, in a desperate attempt to make their husbands think straight. It’s a last ditch attempt at logic, in spite of the male species propensity for stubborn behaviour and selfish interests.

“Fine, just fine” never comes as a response to this husband statement:
“Honey, I am going to go to Home Depot to get paint, so we can re-do the bathroom!”
What you get as a response is this…”Oh that’s great dear, I’ll have lunch ready when you get back.”

Oh no, “Fine, just fine”, almost always comes as a response to this husband statement:
“Honey, I am going to the cottage for a few days with the boys. We are leaving in a few hours, I’ll fix the toilet when I get home.”
In this case, what you get as a response is definitely..”Fine, just fine.”

Or, maybe as another example….
“Honey, I am going to the bar tonite, sorry but I can’t make the dinner at your parents place. This is really important, a guy I went to school with in Grade 3 is in town for a few days and he is going to be at the bar tonite.”
This too, will absolutely come with a “Fine, just fine.”

One more example…
“Honey, I am thinking about going to Cuba for a week with the guys. I don’t really want to, but you know how it is, they keep bugging me.”
If the response in this instance is not “Fine, just fine.”……then your wife has a boyfriend and cannot wait for you to go. (She probably offered to buy your ticket…am I wrong?)

Men need to know this…if you hear the words “Fine, just fine.” uttered by your wife, you will NOT be having sex for a good long time. (at least with a partner) Also, it is too late to turn back and change your plans. The deed is done. You have angered the better half and the very idea that you would do such a thing is the true crime, not the actual indiscretion itself. You might as well go and do what you were going to do, ‘cause you’re done.

Now, there is one other instance where you may hear “Fine, just fine.” After sex, ( or “making love” for those that “fit”) if your partner utters these words, you are doomed, or you were really bad.
Question-“Was it good for you dear?”
Answer-“Fine, just fine.” (If this is followed by a sigh, you were really, really bad.)

Beware the words, “Fine, just fine.” This is one of the most powerful sentences in the English lexicon, but I am certain there are translations to fit all languages.

Just ask any married man.

(Lygenztia *17) The line idiot

Ok, here is an interesting phenomenon. I’ll call it the line idiot. A very important distinction to be drawn…the line idiot can be male, or female.

First, let me set the scene. Ever been to a fast food restaurant? Most have, I’ll wager. Fine places, decent food, good prices and always loaded with salt. Mmmm. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking the fast food joints, quite the opposite. As evidenced by my ever increasing waist line, I quite enjoy them.

They do a fantastic job of promoting their products and food. Clearly labeled “combos”, food choices, prices, all of it right there in front of you. The menu is always a huge, well-lit display, prominently displayed behind the counter. The menu at the Wendy’s, on a clear day, can be seen in neighbouring towns.

So, what’s the problem you might ask? The line idiot can’t see the menu, they have no idea that it’s there, right in front of their eyes. Every reasonable, “normal” person looks at the menu BEFORE they get up to the clerk to place their order. Not true of the line idiot.

Granted, if it there aren’t many people in the restaurant you may go right up to a clerk and not have time to look at the menu. That’s OK, but in this instance the line idiot would be talking on the cell phone while trying to place their order anyway.

No, my beef is when it is busy at the fast food restaurant and we are all lined up like sheep, waiting ever so patiently for some sustenance. The line idiot does this every time….picture it. I KNOW you have seen it.

The line up is looooooooong. The menu is clearly displayed. You have about 8-10 minutes to examine the menu. Does the line idiot take advantage of this time? NO! They wait until they get to the clerk, then they look at the dam menu and make their decision. It always goes like this:

Male line idiot
They pump their hands on the counter like they are playing the drums. Then, they look at the menu and before ordering check their cell phone. Because, you never know you could have gotten a critically important text message in between getting out of your car and in the line up. OK, but here’s the kicker. These losers don’t even have a valid cell phone account. They got the cell phone at a flea market and it’s not even activated..these pathetic assholes fake text messages and cell phone calls to boost their miserable self esteem in front of perfect strangers at the fast food restaurant.

They also ask for their food by saying “gimme”. You’ve heard it…”gimme a combo 2” Ugh, I hate that word. “gimme” Is it too hard to say please and thank you? Or even “could I?”

Female line idiot
Ok, walking a fine line here…because I love the ladies and think they are great. BUT, the line idiot just galls me. They are always the same…..indecisive beyond belief. They need help to order a straw. They get up to the clerk and cannot even make eye contact. They giggle nervously and this is always what you overhear..”Oh, I don’t know”. What the hell is there NOT to know? Do you want fries with that, or not? Jesus Christ! Call a friend for support if you have to, but make a goddam decision. Please, can we just move this line?
Ugh….

OK…so some friendly advice for the line idiot. I am going to try to help, if I can.

If you go to a burger joint, they sell burgers. (and fries)
If you go to a chicken joint, they sell chicken. (and fries)
If you go to a fish joint, they sell fish and you guessed it..fries. (dumb ass)
If you go to a sub shop, they sell subs.
If you go to a coffee shop, they sell coffee…ask nice and they’ll give you a dam donut.

How hard is that? Can you see the pattern?

Move it along people…..

(Lygenztia *16) The power of beer

I LOVE beer. Benjamin Franklin is reported to have said “beer is proof that God loves us”. So, just to be clear..I LOVE beer. If my Doctor said I had to quit drinking beer, I’d really need a second opinion. If my wife told me I had to stop drinking beer….well..to borrow a quote, let’s just say “Houston, we have a problem”.

Beer has powerful influence over our actions, which are usually the exact opposite to our actions, while sober.

Beer can make you love, it can make you hate.
Beer can make you a better lover, it can make you a lousy lover.
Beer can make you stronger, it can make you weaker.
Beer can make you quiet, it can make you LOUD!

Beer, can be the catalyst to some of the greatest (worst) decisions that you will ever make. Beer has facilitated some of the greatest meetings ever recorded. (or kept secret)

If you think about it…Beer also holds massive power over the person that is not even drinking it. Beer can greatly enhance the physical appearance of others and this is in direct proportion to the amount of beer that the beer drinker has consumed. Beer can carry you from “That guy is OK, I guess” to “That guy is going home with me” at mach like speed. (The reverse holds true, as well…”That girl is OK, I guess” to “That girl is coming home with me”) Now that is power!

Interestingly, the regret expressed at beer decisions is usually much more remorseful with women. Beer decisions made by men, are ones that they would likely have made if no-one was watching anyway. Men have given in to the power of beer. We don’t fear it, we understand and embrace it and use it as our crutch. We even use it to our advantage.

Think about what can start and end with this statement..”do you want to grab a beer?”. The possibilities are endless.

We toast to health and prosperity, we drink to idealistic notions and we clang our glasses to good times. So, we all know that beer is powerful, we acknowledge that when we “drink to something”. It’s intrinsic, it’s an anachronism and it’s just the way it is.

Beer makes everything better.

If you need help moving, what do you do? You buy a few cases of beer.
Want to pay back a favour? Buy them a case of beer.
Having company? Yup, you guessed it..buy a case of beer.
Big game on tv? Hell, better grab some beer!
Going to have a barbeque? Not without beer, you’re not.

Anyone that plays sports knows how powerful the sensation of that first drink is after you get off the ice, field…whatever. Power…yup. Beer Power!

Beer is the ultimate paradox. Wielded wisely, it is a social tool and a mood enhancer. It can make you the life of the party instantly and it can pick you up after a lousy day.

But, “absolute power, corrupts absolutely”. Use that power unwisely and you can ruin your reputation or worse, in a few short hours. Enter digital cameras and phone cameras onto the scene. Ain’t it just swell to have digital evidence of your little escapades?

It’s the social instigator and the master of disaster for the loyal beer drinker. The person without the nerve to approach someone, instantly becomes the cunning linguist. The quiet introvert can find their calling at Karaoke and demand the attention of their fans, while singing their version of “My way” by Frank Sinatra. (and we ALL know how good this person sings..don’t we?)

Yes, beer is powerful. It can over power the will of the most loyal, in love, committed person. Take a few beers, plunk a person in a hot tub with someone of the opposite sex and BAM! That beer can just take right over. It’s really not the fault of the drinker…it’s the power of the beer. So, if you ever find yourself in the unfortunate position of an “indiscretion”, well blame the damn beer. Tell them Lygenztia said it’s powerful.

For all it’s good and bad, I still LOVE beer. I stand by and defend beer, right to the end.
I may disagree with the brand of beer you drink, but will defend to the death, your right to drink it.

Buy someone a beer, you’re friends for life

(Lygenztia *15) Where's God?

Religion has always been an interest of mine. I am not what you would call “religious”, but I have my beliefs. They are very personal. I am not a biblical scholar, but I’ve read about the various religions and for the most part, understand their premise.

God freaks me out. So does his concept and really, it probably should. It’s over-powering and all encompassing, right?

So let’s say for starters, for the sake of argument….. that God is a “he”. (Is “he”?)

Some religions are preposterous and the fact that people can follow their doctrine, is equally preposterous. But, people do.

So,back to my question. Where’s God? Is he around us, in us or above us? Because, if you believe in him, then he has to be somewhere. If he wasn’t somewhere, you couldn’t believe in him.

Does he make us do things, help us do things, empower us with choices, or ordain our destiny? Seems strange that one person, no matter how omnipotent, can keep up with ALL our prayers. If even one percent of the planet prayed within a 24 hour period, it must be tough to address these hopes. Is there an appeal process?

Some of the most wicked people I know, attend church on a regular basis. Some of the most pious, beautiful people I know, have never set foot in the hallowed halls of worship, except for a wedding, or funeral. Does church make you better? Does church make you worse? I’m not sure.

Today, I listened to a radio program that pitted two Reverend’s against each other. Common book (the Bible), common beliefs (10 commandments) and common goals (love). Yet, they were nasty to each other. Unrelenting attacks on each other, no tolerance and no love. “men of the cloth”. Hmmmm

What I hope Church does, is that it gives hope to those that need it. Guidance to those that need it and love to those who do not otherwise have it. It’s sad to think that you need to go to a “place” for fulfillment. It’s sad to know that those around you and those you love can’t provide it…or help you provide it to others.

But maybe that’s the idea…it’s the collective notion that strengthens. A weave of spiritual idealism.

I think it’s symbiotic. We need him, he needs us. But, I do think it’s getting harder and harder for him to keep up. Which is why I think he is in us. That’s good though, it means we don’t have far to look.

Is it enough to just be a good person? I think so, as long as he is in us.

Judge for yourself…do you feel alone?

I thought so.

Addendum

An interesting story....along a similar note. I came across this, this morning after having written this Lygenztia last night.

Moses was high on drugs: Israeli researcher

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/080304/oddities/israel_religion_offbeat

(Lygenztia *14) Who really wins?

Life is funny. Where you start is not where you finish and where you finish cannot be where you start. Why? Simple, because we change. Drastic, massive changes. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but of this fact there can be no argument. We change.

We start, wanting to win. We want to win at hide and seek. We want to win at sports and activities. And..it progresses, socially. We want most, to win friends. This need/desire begins at different age levels for most kids, but I would venture to say it starts very young. When we are young, we make friends naturally, with no bias, no prejudice, no agenda and total sincerity. We’ll call this category, the “purists”. For some, this sticks for life..and if it does, you are very, very fortunate.

This changes and progresses, sometimes for the worse. We start to choose friends that will help us win…and not necessarily ones that fit the mold of “no bias, no prejudice, no agenda”. We’ll call these ones, the “opportunists”. This is a social trap and very, very hard to avoid, even for the most confident. So, as we age and grow and develop we often get “pigeon holed” into a certain category. Depending on the category, you are happy (“popular kids”), content (“average kids” that just fit in) ..or miserable. (the poor buggers that get rejected)

As I’ve aged I’ve noticed a constant. The purists I know and have met,( typically) are very happy, well adjusted and full of life. They have succeeded, they have “won”. Good marriages, good jobs/careers, good life and surrounded with positive sentiment, social and community context.

The “opportunists”, well let’s just say most (typically) have definitely NOT “won”. Take the opposite of the above “purists”, insert it here and there you have it.Is this true %100 of the time? Of course not, but it sure fits a pretty constant pattern. One thing that I will never be accused of, was being popular in high school, nor was I “cool”. But, I held my own, had a good time and made some pretty good choices in my friends.

It never ceases to amaze me, the state of some of the “cool” people (always opportunists) that I have known and encounter from time to time. Some, with pathetic attempts to live in the past, some trying to fool Father Time and others, trying to fool themselves.

Sometimes, you walk away thinking….”thank god that’s not me”.

So, “who wins”? For others, you decide..based on your own moral compass. But really, as adults, we all instinctively know. Teenagers are easy to fool, adults are more adept at detecting a fraud.

The self test is easy….Those of us that “have won” already know it in our hearts, instantly. Step to the front of the line. Congratulations!

Those of us who have to wonder if we’ve won, also instantly have their answer. Because, if you have to think about it, the contest is over. Step to the end of the line.