(lygenztia *52) Only cars should need bumpers.

Ever talked to a "bumper"?

The bumper is the type of person that constantly bumps into you, while talking to you. They zone in on you and move closer and closer during the entire conversation.

A handshake is great, a pat on the shoulder, a hug..whatever. Once is fine.

Now, I am not sure if it's a misunderstood sexual thing, or some type of social inadequacy, but I just don't get it. Why does the "bumper" have to constantly touch people, when talking to them?

Are they trying to convey some secret sexual desire and hoping that by touching someone (constantly) that they will trigger some type of reaction?

Are they socially inadequate and they figure that as long as they are close enough to "bump" you, that you cannot escape their boring clutches?

Are they completely unaware of personal boundaries?

The most aggravating thing about the "bumper" is that they follow you. They "bump" you and you step back. You hope that this sends a signal...like, "Hey man, you are in my space." But, do they get it? No way, they follow you back a step so they can keep on bumping....never wanting you to be more than a step away.

They are also almost always "close talkers". They get right in your face when they talk to you. It is freaking weird. How can they not know that this makes people uncomfortable? Are they trying to steal a kiss, or what?

But, I have a plan....the next time I encounter a bumper, I am going to excuse myself and go to another room. I am going to roll on the carpet and build up enough static electricity to give them a Taser like shock.

Then, I am going to seek them out, bump them and give them a beauty of a static shock.

Bzztt!

(lygenztia *51) In case you missed the memo, it's SUMMER.

What is it with people wearing heavy coats when it is 30 degrees celcius (96 degrees farenheit) in the dog days of summer?

Did they get a good deal on it and want to show it off?
Are they covering up a nuclear device?
Are they cold?
Are they hiding snake tatoos they got the night before, while drunk?
Is it some kind of fashion accessory from bizarre land?
Are they making some kind of twisted statement?

I wonder if these are the same group of weirdos that go around in winter, wearing only a shirt. Are they rebelling against the environment? Some kind of anti-season wear maybe?
Maybe they are thinking to themselves…..”there is no way something as weak as nature is going to dictate my daily attire.”

Now I am not talking about the mentally ill people, with tormented minds…..that wander in winter coats (in summer) muttering to themselves. They are sick and can’t help but sometimes be painfully unaware of their surroundings.

I am talking about the “stable” people, that work in offices, banks, stores…whatever. I was walking in downtown Toronto today and it was hot. I enjoy watching people, it can be good fun. So….I notice this young lady wearing a pleated aviator jacket….and it was one heavy mother of a coat. I think to myself…OK, so you get one in every crowd….maybe she just bought it and couldn’t wait for November, when it would be appropriate.

But as I walk two blocks (King to Dundas, up Yonge) I noticed 5 other people wearing coats. I think to myself, “what the hell?” I wanted to stop one of them and say…”Hey, what the hell gives…do you actually come from the sun and you find it cold here on earth?”

So, enjoy the summer…enjoy the chance to wear some nice, light clothing.

At the very least, put your damn toques and mittens away ‘til November.

(Lygenztia *50) God...would a hello ever be nice.

I swear to God every single time my son sees me I get this...

"Can I have $789.00 to buy a matching pair of Abercrombie jeans and shoes?"
"Can I sleep over in a backyard with 6 kids I met yesterday? I forget their names and where they live."
"Can I have some money?"
"Are you working tomorrow? I might need a ride to get Slurpees."
"Am I allowed to go to the 3AM movie on saturday night and walk home through the vacant lot where the homeless men sleep?"
"Would it be OK if I took my real looking paintball gun uptown without a case or cover and showed it to the bank staff?"
"Is it OK if 237 people sleep over tonite?"
"Can I have some money?"
"I lost my cell phone..will you go get me another?"
"Can I get all new hockey equipment today?"(hockey doesn't start for 3 months)
"Can I have some money?"

Why in the hell can't he ever just say hello to me? Why? Why? Why?

I swear to God that little bugger lays awake at night thinking of stuff to ask me, just to piss me off. I can just picture him giggling behind the venetian blinds as I walk up the sidewalk....snickering to himself, thinking...today I am going to ask for ..hmmmmm..lemme think now..OK, my own not yet invented levitation device.

My daughter, asks me for something about once a week...and almost always, I agree and oblige. Thats beacuse girls are smart and boys are well....."athletic". Pffhht...ya...whatever.

I need a strategy to deal with the walking, talking, breathing, request machine to give my life some peace and reduce my stress levels.

I think I shall use a Druid type strategy where I answer every question/request he asks of me.....with a question/request.

For example:
Son-"Can I have some money?"
Dad-"Can YOU clean up the dog shit in the back yard?"

Son-"Can you go buy me another Lacrosse stick? I only have 13."
Dad-"Can YOU go clean up your room and vaccum the floor?"

Son-"Can 283 people sleep over on a work/school nite?"
Dad-"Can YOU go door to door collecting beer bottles to help raise money for me to pay for your hockey?"

Son-"Can I go to Germany to see how they make chocolate?"
Dad-"Can YOU give your head a friggin shake?"

Son-"in 2012, do you think that we will still have sidewalks?"
Dad-"in 2012 do you think crystal ball technology will be better?"

Part of the problem is the boy is a dreamer and I guess he gets that honestly, but it sure would be nice if he could put all that creative thinking to work on how to help clean the goddam house.

I guess I shouldn't complain, he's a nice kid and I do love him but damn, can he not just say hello every now and then?

For example..

Son-"Hey Dad."
Dad-"Son, just for that...you can have anything you want."

Kids....sheesh.

(lygenztia *49) I'm not poaching your stuff!

Ok, I am starting a consumer movement/revolt.

You know those "theft device" alarms at the exit to stores? The ones where lights go off, a siren sounds and some little nerd with a plastic card stops you when the "system" detects that you have merchandise you haven't paid for?

The machines are those big imposing arches that look like x-ray machines from the Planet X. (hmmm...maybe they are)

Well, for chrissakes, they never work properly...so much for the Planet X technology. It's always the same. Some poor bugger that PAID for their stuff walks through and the alarm mistakenly sounds, for the whole damn mall to see. The totally embarassed person looks back with that "what????" look at the clerk and has to endure a "search" of their bags. (usually in front of about 139 people)

They NEVER have any "concealed" unpaid for items. You know why? Because the machines are crap, that's why. And aftre the embarrassing search in front of the entire mall/store what do you get? Nothing. A big fat nothing. They look at you with suspicion and "send you on your way". Gee thanks, you have humilitated me, falsely accused me...but I get to go about my business.

Well, here's a newsflash for the idiot nerd with the plastic i.d. card. Going about my business was exactly what I was doing before your piece of shit machine went all freaky for no reason.

You see, the people that poach stuff don't wait in line to pay for it. The smart bad guys know where all the little anti theft tags are and they remove them, or disable them. (don't ask me how, but they do)

Well, here is what I am going to do from now on. If I go through the Planet X anti theft megatron 2000 and it goes off and I am subjected to the embarrassment, I am fighting back.

I am going to demand that my purchases be given to me absolutely free to offset the unnecessary embarrassment. And I want every single one of you to do the same.

There is no reasonable and probable grounds for a search and seizure of your person. There is no reasonable element or intent of criminality. Just some piece of shit machine that doesn't work and we (the consumer) should not be subjected unnecessarily to this embarrassment.

If the dumb ass alarm goes off and they detain you (and you don't have unpaid for stuff).....DEMAND that your purchases be given to you free!

(lygenztia *48) It's OK, I have my "4-ways" on.

Don't you just love this?

Some person is driving at about 3.7 km/h on a road, but it's "OK" because they have their hazard lights on.

Hazard lights are just that. If you are in an accident (god forbid) or your vehicle breaks down, you activate your hazard lights, or as most people call them...your "4 way flashers".

But there is a new breed of "4 way flasher" users...house hunters, sight seers, people looking for yard sales, fast food delivery people, people perfoming slowness experiments, etc. They should have big signs on the back of their vehicle that says:
"MOBILE TRAFFIC CALMING DEVICE"

Then, there are the people that turn on their hazard lights, when it is raining or snowing. Don't you just love this? Gee, thanks buddy! No way would I have figured out that travelling conditions are poor on my own! I saw your hazard lights and "POOF", I went into a mode of cat like, ultra alertness and boy scout like readiness.

So, please if you have to use your hazard lights, for goodness sake do so. But remember, hazard lights are not a license to disregard the rules of the road.

Please don't use them to advertise to the entire world that you are an idiot.

Chances are, they already know.

(Lygenztia *47) Storms...an ugly omen, or nature at work?

What is with all the severe weather that we have had in the last 12 months?

It doesn't just rain, it storms.

It doesn't just snow, it storms.

To be honest, it kinda scares me to think about it too much. It's getting like we see these warnings daily....From "Environment Canada".

I honestly do not remember this many thunder/hail storms in a summer in my life. I have no scientific data to back this up, but anecdotally I think that everyone agrees that something is very wrong.

I am not convinced that global warming is occurring. (Artic ice is decreasing in record amounts....Antarctic ice is increasing in record amounts???) However, our climate is changing, that is pretty clear.

A great book, "The coming Global superstorm" by Art Bell and Whitley Strieber has some interesting paralells to the current weather conditions. The title says it all and also suggests we are heading for catastrophe. So what, you say?

I bought the book 5 YEARS AGO. It was published in 2000. I bought it in one of the "bargain bins" for 3 bucks, originally priced at $34.95. The book is based on what may happen in the future if weather trends continue. Its accuracy is stunning...and frightening. At the time, most thought it was nonsense, thus the "bargain bin." Hmmmm...the authors may wish to "re-publish" this book as an "in your face".

The movie "The day after tomorrow" is fiction, but it also makes us think about our own fragility and inability to survive in the face of natures wrath.

I don't have any answers...but I will admit, I do think about this from time to time. I am especially reminded when I see those menacing, black clouds that gather to the north...almost daily.

I remember back in 1999, I was talking to a fellow about Y2K, the great "bogey man" of the coming millenium. (Remember? The doomsayers were saying.."the end is near")
He said..." I have a Y2K credit card, i'm fine."
Huh, I said?
"Oh ya...it's called a 12 gauge shotgun. If things go bad, society breaks down i'll just use my credit card to get what I need.
You got food?
You got water?.... he says.
"Well, my credit is good."

My God, that is a scary thought and also a terrifying omen of just how quickly it could all go bad.

Let's hope our kids can deal with these global climate and pollution issues, because God knows we have done a piss poor lousy job of facing it.

Issued by SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WATCH: York - Durham
Issued at 5:01 PM EDT THURSDAY 26 JUNE 2008

SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS POSSIBLE THIS AFTERNOON INTO THIS EVENING. THIS IS AN ALERT TO THE POTENTIAL DEVELOPMENT OF SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS WITH LARGE HAIL AND DAMAGING WINDS. MONITOR WEATHER CONDITIONS..LISTEN FOR UPDATED STATEMENTS. IF THREATENING WEATHER APPROACHES TAKE IMMEDIATE SAFETY PRECAUTIONS.
A WARM HUMID AIRMASS OVER SOUTHERN ONTARIO IS PROVIDING FAVOURABLE CONDITIONS FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS THIS AFTERNOON INTO THIS EVENING. THE MAIN THREATS WITH THESE STORMS ARE LARGE HAIL AND DAMAGING WIND GUSTS.
SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNING: York - Durham
Issued at 4:58 PM EDT THURSDAY 26 JUNE 2008

AT 4.55 PM EDT WEATHER RADAR INDICATES SEVERAL STRONG POSSIBLY SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS OVER OR APPROACHING THE ABOVE REGIONS. THE MAIN THREATS WITH THESE STORMS IS LARGE HAIL AND DAMAGING WIND GUSTS. BRIEF TORRENTIAL DOWNPOURS AND FREQUENT LIGHTNING ARE ALSO LIKELY. THIS IS A WARNING THAT SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS ARE IMMINENT OR OCCURRING IN THESE REGIONS. REMEMBER SOME SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS PRODUCE TORNADOES..LISTEN FOR UPDATED WARNINGS. EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT ONTARIO RECOMMENDS TAKING COVER IMMEDIATELY WHEN THREATENING WEATHER APPROACHES.
A WARM HUMID AIRMASS OVER SOUTHERN ONTARIO IS PROVIDING FAVOURABLE CONDITIONS FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS THIS AFTERNOON INTO THIS EVENING. THE MAIN THREATS WITH THESE STORMS ARE LARGE HAIL AND DAMAGING WIND GUSTS.